Leotha's Blog

CRAZY MAKING: Females and Males Are Wired Differently March 10, 2010

Several phrases I hear often are “He or she makes me crazy! I feel like I am always walking on egg shells! I feel I am dammed if I do and I am dammed if I don’t!” There may be many explanations or opinions about how frustrating it can be when simple communication between two people is shut off or distorted. One thing is certain, lack of communication in a relationship is a huge energy drain and usually decreases one’s well-being. Some ask, “What am I supposed to do when he/she shuts down and withdraws? When I ask what is wrong, I am either made to be the problem, but am not told what the problem is, or I am told I should know what the problem is that I caused.”

I choose to take the dialog back to the question; “What has changed in one or both of your lives?”. There may be many things that have changed, whether unforeseen, conscious or unconscious, planned by one without the other one knowing, or life just happens. One thing to question is; “Are you both growing personally together, or has one stopped growing, or has one’s personal growth far exceeded the other?”.

One suggestion is to look at where both your energy vibration was when you first met or when the relationship was fluid. Obviously, one of the things that attract people to each other is the other’s energy vibration. If at some point, one person’s energy vibration shifts, there may be a personality shift in the other person. One person may unconsciously feel something is not the same about the other and do not have the awareness to communicate how they are feeling about the shift. If there is no awareness around how communicating one’s feelings authentically, we may shift into default mode, by acting out in the way in which was modeled by adults as we were growing up.

Be aware that when in a relationship, whether personal or professionally, when someone vibrates at a lower frequency than you, they have an advantage over you energetically, if you choose to lower your vibration to match their. They somehow figure this out at an early age and intentionally set you up to come down to their level (classic passive aggressive). They may feel they would be at a disadvantage if they choose to match your higher vibration. YOU have no power in their lower frequency! The more you go into the lower frequency and try to navigate within it, the more depleted, confused, frustrated and hopeless you will feel.

Look at it another way; “If you are trying to pull an injured (but very conscious) person out of a hole that is filling up with water and they appear to be ignoring you and the water, you may have a desperate time getting them out. If this person is larger and stronger than you, do you jump into the hole in an attempt to save them and risk two lives being lost?

Another scenario may be; “A person dig a hole and jumps in. He/she then yells for help, while complaining about why you didn’t come to help sooner. As soon as you pull the person out of the hole, the person digs another hole and gets mad at you for helping him/her out of the other hole.” The language I prefer to use when dealing with someone whom you can not reason with or who is intent on being a victim and making others wrong; I call crazy making. If you continue to play their game, you definitely will begin to feel like you are loosing your mind.

On another note; as many are aware, men are generally wired differently than women. Men are basically hunters and gatherers. Women are basically nesters and nurturers. For most men, we feel it is our responsibility to go out and provide for the family. If at some point something happens that prevents the male from being able to provide as he has grown accustomed to, he may began to feel inadequate, a failure. He may worry about what others think of him as a man who is now unable to provide financially for his family. Unless the man is able to allow himself to look at life experiences as lessons in how to cope, by being willing to adapt, by changing or shifting to a different survival mode, he may began to shut down and become angry, resentful and depressed. He may blame the closest person or persons to him, then others for his problems and issues.

Each day he awakens the first thought that comes to his mind may be, “She and the children are thinking I am failing them, because I can’t find a job so I can provide for them”. In other words, those closest to him are a constant mirror for him to view how he feels about himself. What he sees from his spouse and the children reflections is he is a failure. If the man is not comfortable with his spouse continuing to grow personally and professionally; especially making more money than he, then he may began to exhibit personality changes and close down the communication link with her. The spouse on the other hand, being wired to be a nester and nurturer, usually feels compelled to run her energy through her mate in an attempt to make him feel better. This energy is usually mostly feminine which causes the man to unconsciously resist, because it is coming from the spouse he feels he has let down. We could take it even further back to; the man unconsciously yearns for the nurturing feminine energy of his mother who he may feel abandoned him, but because he is so wounded he remains blind to what he is really seeking…..the nurturing and supportive feminine energy of his spouse. In his unconscious mind, he does not feel he deserve such love and nurturing due to his lack of love for self.

The moral to what I am saying is, anger, which is based on fear, can be used as an assertive emotional tool (coming from a place of personal power). But, if anger is used as a tool to play the role of victim (lack of personal power), we may be reverting back to our childlike stage, which feeds our deep seated fears. Fear attracts more fear. Practicing coming from the HEART usually brings light into the darkness of one’s fears, which allows the fear to become less controlling and creates an opening for healing the pain and suffering.